your daily dose of marlene…

From reading my past blogs, its assumed that i’m all negative, think i know everything and that i’m the "sh*t". So people would think. But it’s not all like that. Don’t get me wrong, everything that i wrote in my blogs are all true on how i felt on certain issues (maybe the blog got me at the wrong hour), but i do have a brighter side to me than people may assume.

Alot of the issues i talk about are in the extreme. My friends aren’t all losers - all are great and i praise God for giving me such beautiful friends. Some aren’t great in big doses, but who is really? I have faith in fidelity, but it just puzzles me how there’s a high rate of divorces these days. It just makes me sad because i don’t want to be apart of that statistic.

I do have a low self esteem - that much is true, but that can be attended to  through a little bit of fixing by ME! =) There’s one person who helps me through all my troubles, but it seems like i’ve pushed it too far. So far that i can’t reach that person anymore. I’m sorry if i’ve disappointed you. It saddens me that i have, because you’re the last person that i would want to be angry at me. Puppy, i just need you to be strong for me when i get weak. I would want you to break my fall whenever i nearly hit rock bottom. I know i say ’sorry’ too many times, and its probably lost all its meaning, but thats all i can say. I’ve been praying for all good things to come but maybe God needs a little bit more time to answer my prayers.

"the way i see it: if you want to see that rainbow, you gotta put up with the storm" - dolly parton

I really ought to buy some esteem somewhere! Either that, or a new way of thinking.  I’m  getting sick of feeling like shit and over analysing everything. And i know its easy for people who are reading this, to say, "Just change the way you think.. be more positive" all that crap. But if you had my brain and my way of thinking, that simple plan isn’t good enough. I’ll always find a way for the positive to be negative. My mind is stronger than the matter. Maybe its because i don’t believe anything anyone says anymore. Thats probably it! For example, if my friend told me something nice, or if my baby said something sweet, i’d reason it out by thinking that they’re only saying that because i’m having a shit day or because they want to make me feel better. I want to trust someone..  it’s hard for me. I don’t even think i can trust myself. Few i trust. But even some days, i have my doubts with the things that come out of their mouth. For some stupid reason, i think that what they’re saying is just a bunch of bullsh*t.

How can people trust people when a promise is eventually or most likely going to be broken? Even marriages. Couples who say they will forever be faithful, get divorces. And why? Coz in the end, they can’t be trusted. I have no faith in fidelity (Well actually i do, but not at this hour). I think there are always going to be secrets that people hide so save whatever they have. And its a shame. I know i wouldn’t want to hear anything that my partner did with whoever and whatever piece of shit he picked up, but then again, i would want to hear it so if it didn’t happen, my mind would be clear OR if it did happen, i’d know to what extent. But even then, how’d you know if they’re telling the truth? Exactl! You don’t. 

I need to find some peace of mind. I’m tired of thinking crap when i see other prettier girls than me, analysing why they’re so pretty, what’s wrong with me and why i look like a piece of crap beside them. I’m tired of doing that analysing crap whenever someone says someone else is pretty.

There’s always someone prettier than you, i was told.
That’s why i won’t believe any "I can’t believe i’m marrying the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen". Why? Because it’s a load of shit! Now i know that someone’s always prettier, whatever a guy says on the isle is ass talk.

I’m currently at work and the same thing troubles me each and every morning - roughly at the same time. Maybe when its all silent when i’m typing  everything that i don’t want to remember, comes to haunt me. I’m trying to fight it and control how i act, but sweaty palms, a soaring temperature and the analysis of too many things, get the better of me sometimes. I just need time everynow and then to collect my clear thoughts.

I’m not perfect. I’m not beautiful. I certainly don’t have a great personality. I judge people too much (most of my "opinions" are the truth, so if people get all sooky about it… here’s 40 cents. Tell someone who cares!) and most definitely, i’ve made alot of stupid mistakes. But most of the time, my stupid mistakes were by silly and irrational decisions. I must say, i wasn’t at fault and i wasn’t in the wrong for doing what i did - so technically i didn’t do anything bad, BUT to know what i have done in the past is disgraceful to myself. I feel disgusted to what i have done in the past and i find that i’m not deserving to have loving people in my life to care for me - but not only do i need their forgiveness for my stupid actions. I need my own forgiveness for being so stupid. I’m not even the type to do the things i did, so when i look back at it, i see myself as low and disgusting. Like i said in my previous blog, "a disgusting piece of human filth…". It was un-ladylike, disrespectful to myself and un-ruly. But again, i wasn’t in the wrong. I could do whatever i wanted at the time.

It’s not only the other people you need to seek forgiveness from, who may have hurt in the process. It’s yourself - for being totally and utterly foul-mannered. Unless you believe that it’s your nature to act like that, may God save you.

I just dont know how someone can be proud of, maybe not proud, but ok with being the person they were when there were being foul-mannered and disgusting. Have some remorse - unless you think it was lady-like or gentleman of you, to act like that.

Today i watched ‘The Wedding Planner’ and once again, i cried like a pussy - even though i know what is gonna happen since i’ve seen it a MILLION times. It’s just so inspirational and motivating that i NOW want to start planning my wedding! haha =) and you know what? Surprisingly, when i told Raljk about all my plans… he didn’t run away. =) I’ve got everything planned to how the cutlery will be set out - EXACTLY on the table for the reception, to the rough amount of how much i need to save for myself (after i estimated how much things will cost). *sigh* I think i already know what ring i want! And its only yellow gold *i love goollllld!* that i want… *oh yehhhh!*

I don’t have many friends to trust. I think most, if not - all of my "friends" are a bunch of losers. And i may be mean to say that, but who cares? Most of them are talking behind your back anyway! haha. They’re all conniving, bunch of whores, who have no sense of ideals or fucken losers who don’t have jobs - and whats worse about it, is that they know what i’ve said is true and they’re STILL not doing anything about it!

Furthermore, it’s just a shame for good girls turn ugly - everyone has potential. It’s just sad that they don’t use their motivation to better themselves.

From what i’ve seen and heard, most girls have lost their dignity and most of the time its for a guy. You disgusting piece of human filth on the planet of the earth. You are contaminated with a fucked up mind. To belittle yourself, is beyond me. I feel repulsed knowing the things i know. It makes me ill to think that some girls can be so low.

Anyway, back to me, myself and i =)
Time to go shopping…

You know what the best thing is too!? You probably think this entry’s about you… and youre probably right! Or are you? Ps. love your photos! haha

G’day internet!

Got some great news! Cheryl has gotten her P’s. woot woo! Now she can drive around and get chocolate for me when i need a quick fix when we’re at Raljk’s house. Bugger that! I’ll drive Raljk’s car and pray to GOD i don’t get caught! hehe.

Anyway, it’s funny how noone can happily walk out on a nice, sunny day with a short skirt and not get harassed in some way. This realisation came to me on Monday. I forced myself to get up at my usual, early time to get to work, got there and realised i had an RDO. Freakin hell! Anyway i ended up wearing a slutty skirt - haha jk, just a little short skirt to Parra and my GOD! Did i have interesting people talk to me? I had a Korean in Strathfield strike a pose to get my attention as he spoke in an accent, "Haaalo, I cannno help buh you ahh pleety gil (girl). I weeel show you mah-gic caaard trik". And patiently watched him call out the cards, from which he memorised. The dude was sweet and hopeful,considering he NICELY got rejected. But alas, my gronky, stinky, flannelet druggos came through and scared the crap outta me. Like, i know the skirt will bring some attention to it. But is it necessary to follow and call out crap when all i wanna do is go home in PEACE and SILENCE!? That crude behaviour has torn me as to whether its even worth wearing anything short outside - stupid people who ruin it for me! hehe and the rest of women  who want to wear something short once in a while.

NB: the length of the skirt was mid-thigh… not a ribbon covering my puss-puss =)

Anyway, moving along! I’m sick of being a flabby girl! Now that I’ve quit smoking, I’ve started going to the gym and not paying one cent. See, i figure, if i can’t look ok in the face… i can at least make my body hot. And seeing as i haven’t been having high self esteem about my image lately, i think this will do me some justice! I just hope i keep my boobs! *fingers crossed* That’s the only thing that’s nice looking! haha

Oh hell… nah! I can’t believe I’ve got one of these blogs going on. I’m one of the sad case statistics in the blogging network. But its ok! At least i can vent myself on this piece of internet crap. =)

These past few weeks have certainly been eye-openers. Truly crazy! The kind of crap that makes you wanna flush your head down the toilet - and not in a good way. =\

I’ve come to the realization that not everything will go my way. Thank God i have my baby to slap me around whenever i get unreasonable. But i live in my own crazy world. When i think of love. I think of "movie" love. The kind of crap that is so unreal, unbelievable and too romantic. That’s the kind i want. But its weird, i think i just push away all the good things Raljk does for me. Like for example, i would want my boyfriend to be HEAD OVER HEELS over me! Like completely and utterly HEAD OVER HEELS. But don’t get me wrong - Raljk does alot of sweet and compromising things - he isn’t a vegetable or anything, but i think i push aside the sweet gestures he does for me which shows how he feels about me. Maybe I’m selfish. Actually, who am i kidding! I am selfish, and i don’t care if i am! I believe every girl is a princess [probably exceptions for a few people] and they shouldn’t be treated otherwise. No girl should settle for less or sloppy seconds. That’s just disgusting! I think it’s my time to get over myself and realise that Raljk doesn’t have to grope me in the middle of the detergent isle in Franklins, for me to know that he’s HEAD OVER HEELS. haha Gotta just try and realise that Raljk loves me for me (God! haha, how can that be?!) and not for the Kristen Kreuk or Jessica Alba he wants me to be. haha God, i hate pretty girls! grr..

Anyway, today I’m heading over to the West. Westpoint to be exact! Seeing my cousin, Cheryl and my lovable and adorable puppy, Raljk. Well, wish me luck! I’m gonna try not to spend any of my money on crap. Lord knows how hard i try! haha

marlene xox