your daily dose of marlene…

Having or knowing a dirty past is inevitable. You are going to have one, the people you love will have had one and truths would have been exchanged. After the blood has spilt, tears have fallen and emotions have settled and overcome all, what do you do when the past haunts you and it hits you like an asthma attack? Does needing to know the harsh truths need to be your ventilator or does the blind eye help you to breathe again?

Although it is infuriating for both parties, there is always one that needs to know everything – the exact details, even if the truth is lethal. That person is I. I have my reasons as to why I need to know everything. Half of the reason as to why I kill myself over things is because I refuse to take ‘No’ for an answer. I need to know everything and even if I can’t find out then and there, I have my ways. I need to be in tune with what happened, what was exchanged and the whole schedule of that day and/or the leading of it. My thoughts hurt me but what’s more piercing is how someone’s past has been the result of my choices – bad choices. There is nothing to do about anything the core of that attack but crazily, the things that kill me keep my heart together. In my case, even if the past is worse or not as dramatic as what I had imagined, it eases my mind that I know all. It’s a dangerous lifestyle and way of thinking but if I were to have my crazy imagination run wild – which it does, my own thoughts will kill me.

Some people take a different approach to handling things and turn the blind eye to it. That too is a dangerous lifestyle as those are the people who are forever hiding from things that hurt them but eventually make them stronger. Understandably they may be weak and not strong headed to handle the truth as much as others but that is no excuse to shun whatever is going on and silently killing them. Eventually you get nothing positive from it because all emotions that you thought never existed would have been piling up for a massive emotional breakdown. Being the other person who is turning the blind eye to the receiver, that is just making the situation more difficult that you had entailed.

I have managed to help those people who have suffered without air in many occasions, by kindly giving them positive outlooks to keep their chin up, hitting them bitchy remarks and insults to the opposing just to make them smile a little bit. But I think the tables have turned. I was that person today trying to find the mask so I could breathe. I had exposed my wounds to someone that I used to comfort when she was finding it hard to inhale hope and luckily I was healed. I hate being weak and I don’t like to refer myself as that, but I’ve just come to realise that having to grab on that life support doesn’t make you feeble and hopeless. If anything, it shows that you are braver and stronger than you were when you were turning the blind eye. 

Tonight i held my Daddy in my arms and we danced.

And there are NO words to describe how loved, secure, happy, and blessed i felt. It felt so good to be in his arms while we swayed from side to side. I was safe. He was my mine. and i was His to keep. At that moment, i cried but i made sure that he didn’t see. I realised that one day i would have to let go of His security when i get married to Raljk. It hurt and i was scared. I guess the ‘main man’ role in my life doesn’t necessarily have to change just because of a ring, but He might think that. I just hope He knows that He’ll always be my number one and always will be.

This blog will go out to my emotions that are furiously burning up inside of me on how i’ve been treated today and how i have been fcuked around WAY TOO MANY times. - SO, please click that ‘X’ if you would like to refrain yourself from being eye boggled with R18+ words and attitude, if you’re cool.. read on.

Ok, it all started with my fcked up work who decided to open up a ‘Team Assistant’ position to assist the Group Case Managers. Ofcourse i needed a change and a challenge so i could ease my bored mind, i had the blessings from my Team Leader and Manager and then from there i submitted my resume along with an application letter on the due date. Great! I couldn’t wait for the reply regarding my interest and a receipt that my documents were received. TICK TOCK. SCRATCH BUM. TAP FINGERS ON MY UGLY WAREHOUSE OFFICE FURNITURE. Nothing. And it was nothing for THREE weeks. Yes, i know i work for a shonky company but i’ve been giving this shithouse the benefit of the doubt because of my fcken comfort zone. Anyway, from waiting 3 weeks for a freakin reply on EMAIL from the incompetent Recruitment Consultant of my Shitty Warehouse, i am told that i will have an interview in 2 weeks. Yes, a bit steep and late, but what the hell for another 50cents, WHY NOT! =) Interview days comes. Marlene wakes up super early to dress and impress the fckers at my work and so i can tell them of how i am deserving of this role - for fcks sake, i wore stockings! GAh. Get to work, ready for all the sh*t they will ask me, look in my email inbox and see an email from my Interviewer at 6.10pm (btw, we finish at 5.00pm) and she says that she has to cancel the FCKNG meeting because it isn’t a priority at the moment for the company. Um, dumb bitch? DOn’t you think you could’ve told me early… fcker. Ohhh.. and if you thought THAT was unprofessional, i get 3 more reschuled interviews within 4 weeks, both which has been cancelled at last minute or on that day. FINALLY, the bastards see me and i try to sell myself to the position as hard as i can even though when i came down, they made me wait OUTSIDE coz THEY weren’t prepared for the interview! Argh. Yes, we shared a few laughs, pretended that we liked each other and had a glass of water. And ofcourse.. coming up with a decision can be difficult, but no dipsh*t takes 2 weeks for it and after having spoken to my superiors about me and getting reference checks, they decide that i’m worthy to see my interviewers for the answer of the application.

"I’m sorry Marlene, you were unsuccessful. Purely because we feel that you didn’t convince us enough"

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESHHH! Am i supposed to hear this? YOU MUST BE JOKIN’ ME! I went to the interview didn’t i… fckers. I couldn’t believe what i had heard come outta their mouth. I didn’t CONVINCE them enough? Oh.. i’m sorry you incompetent, HR Consultant for wasting my managers time on asking how i work, who wasted my time in thinking that this company actually gave me any respect and that you would actually push forward hard working employees, such as myself. Emotionally i was tired of this shit. It was like a bad, two month relationship… waiting where the fcuk it was going after trying so hard to believe in it. So now, apparently, from that trial, it has taught me to put on an act and act like a dumb bitch so i can CONVINCE fat assed, consultants who have only one suit and don’t know how to coordinate outfits, that i want that job.

Today i went for an inbound interview with a recruitment agency. Absolutely big and successful - a great place to start in recruiting and i applied for Team Coordinator. Again, i thought the interview went really well and judging from the Interviewer, she enjoyed my company too and thought i was a great candidate for that position. After discussing the responsibilities that i would be or could be taking on, she said she was going to call me in regards to testing and the position. Having missed her call, i returned it and..

"Marlene, thank you for calling me back. I had a meeting with my managers and they had notified me that they are looking for someone more Junior - someone with 6 months to a 1 year experience. Where as you are already 1.5 years experience"

OH MY GAH! YOU MUST BE JOKIN ME! NOW I HAVE TOO MUCH EXPERIENCE? OHHH HELLL NAH! Now they are pushing it! Since when do you want a TEAM COORDINATOR to be incompetent? Just because i have more experience does not mean that you can mould me into the manequin you want. Sigh. Again, i’m emotionally tired. It hurts to not be appreciated in your own time and what makes it worse is that they don’t care if youre competent anymore. There is no criteria anymore. Not in this world. Experience required = we want someone with MINIMAL experience, 45K = we’re only going to give you 30K coz you aren’t as experienced. PICK A COLOUR. ANY COLOUR! No, its not fair that i have to deal with this shit. They should be setting their boundaries, just like i am. And yes, i know that i have to deal with it and that theres nothing to do about it now. But man, am i supposed to hear this. Farrrrrrr out. In my company, slow career progression and they employ the graduates who have NO FCKN idea on our industry, whereas a well established company wants people with only minimal experience.

I could’ve cried. And i would’ve, if i wasn’t thinking of how fat i would be if i didn’t go to the gym tonight. I just don’t know what to do anymore. A bit of me has lost hope but the stronger part of me is fighting that side off, coz i know i hate those people who give up easily. I don’t like weakness and whats worse is that i see the feeling coming over me. And that scares me the most. Everyone says that people who work hard will succeed and go far in life - how on earth will i reach the top if i need to convince people that i deserve and want that job yet not have too much experience for them to worry about salary issues…

God help me.

Again, this blog goes out to my new found friend, Crisa who is wanting an updated entry! haha, GET A LIFE! haha, jk.. i shouldn’t be talking.. i have NO LIFE! =)

Anyway, i was on the train today and was couldn’t help but think of the meaning of sexy, beautiful, hot - whatever you would like to call it. Then i started to think of the losers girls who think they’re the epitomy of the shit - God, if only they knew that people only saw her as a brother. Poor dipshit. Moving along, i’ve come to the realisation that the people who ooze sex appeal, those that are sexy, beautiful and hot enough that i would like to ‘do’ are effortlessly sexy, beautiful and/or hot. It is only those who proclaim themselves and advertise themselves like a prized pig, to say that they are "HOT" and/or "SEXY" are those that are not what they would like to think. I know i sound like a bitter woman, but stuff you all and open your eyes! You can buy all the make up in the world to make your mug face substantially acceptable to society, spend all your money on stylish Bettina Liano jeans and Sass and Bide slinky tops, but you will STILL not look like a fashionista. Why? Because your jeans are two sizes to small and your slinky top makes you look like a whore. Its exactly like what i said previously. You can’t just make yourself sexy, you can try, but people like Crisa and I can smell a try hard from far away. Not saying that people can’t try to be sexy, just do it in non-embarrassing way for yourself and others who will eventually think you’re a bit over yourself. I see so many girls try to hard, whether it be in their blogs, nicknames, statement t-shirts, and compliments to themselves and fail miserably. Nevertheless, i do feel for them in a sense that they are the ones with the worst insecurity issues with their appearance. Those who have to constantly advertise them as  ‘HOT’, ‘SEXY’ and what not, show that they’re not comfortable with the way they look since they feel that they have to "promote" themselves for that extra kick. And fine, whatever floats your boat - even every now and then i have to tell myself these things, BUT there is a difference with having to encourage yourself mentally to make yourself stronger and having to publicise and exploit your weaknesses by stating all those things you wish you were. Again, people are born with that x-factor. You can try to have it, it’s hard to grasp and alot of the time those with ‘no’-factor hit rock bottom.

Well moving along from that, i had a pregnancy scare on Monday - and MAN OH MAN, was that terrifying for NO REASON! Anyway, i’m on the pill (and anyone who is on it knows its scary business) and for the past few months i have been regular… even the time of when it comes, is regular. Anyway, in the beginning of the year i was REALLY late for one of my pills because i had slept over my cousin, Cheryl’s house and forgot it back in my house - we’re talking about more than 12 hours, which is pretty bad. Anyway, i have always been wary and scared about that pill because i wasn’t sure if i was right about taking the precautions after that day. Anyway, on Monday, i was a BIT dramatic and bought a pregnancy test for about $9+! And that was the cheapest. Can you believe it? Man those companies have hiked up those prices - for fcuks sake, they’ve got digital ones for $20 that say "Pregnant"/"Not pregnant" - Geez, that to me, is too high maintenance! Anyway, even though i was just late by a day, it turned out ‘Not Pregnant’ which was relieving for me. Not in the sense that i was glad that a baby wasn’t going to be in my life, it was because i didn’t want my wedding to be rushed. I can NOT have a rushed wedding, I’ve already got a little bit planned out so for me to just settle for less - NO WAY, i’m not going to only spend measly bucks on my wedding. Haha, these are the things i worry about. haha, petty no?! Other than that, a few hours later, i get my period. Great! It’s only when i freak out and spend money on a pregnancy test, that i’m blessed with the shithouse, monthly ritual. Gah!

In closing, i feel like i need to get out. I need to party. I haven’t partied for a very long time and/or gone out with fun people in a long time. sigh. I feel like i have no friends - which is partially true, and also a boring girlfriend who just hangs out with her boyfriend, when in fact, i just have noone to go out with. So if anyone knows of any ‘hip’ or ‘happening’ clubs where all the ex-HSC people party, let me know so i can feel more out of place. =) haha

This entry is going to my thank you’s and good bye’s to everyone that has made a remarkable dent and/or fixation to my life. Some of you will be named, some of you wont - purely because if you were pubilcised, oh God help you..

Thank you to my Dad, brother, and boyfriend - Raljk for unselfishly and willingly driving me to wherever my destination was. I have never had to think about being scared not being able to not get home or to a place safely. I know its sounds stupid, but i’m glad that i rely on them and have for the past 19 years of my life, because it has shown me that there are a few good men out there who would gladly do a small yet BIG gesture to make my life less difficult. It is now that i realised how i, more than ever, need to fend for myself - yes, i know i’m a princess, but stuff you all! Because one day, i’m going to be alone and won’t know how to drive - let alone park inside a mall. haha

Thank you to the and/or friends who have told me ‘yes’ and ‘no’. If it weren’t for your company, i really wouldn’t be the REAL me, nor would i be writing this email about Jessica and Kaye. I would like to thank you for pushing me in the right and punishing me in my wrong directions, watching me fcuk up and being my pillar to keep me standing. I have always appreciated what you’ve had to say and hated you for not telling me what i needed to hear, but again, you’ve moulded me into the bitch - but squishy inside person that i am. Not only that, to the people i have made horrible mistakes with, not only have you made me appreciative of everything i have but you have also helped me kick myself in the ass for ever giving you the time of day when i could’ve been spending it with someone more important. Nevertheless, you have also made me the person i am. That’s something i’m eager to say SEEYOUBYE to!

To the ones that have tested, tried, embarassed yourself to me. Thank you aswell. Even though you have scarred me with your pitiful acts, i know what is thought of you and thats enough for me. So for all you - you know who you are -  who think its OK to fuck with me. Think again. I know some people think i’m a push over, quiet and that i am some small girl, but don’t underestimate me. You have made me a million more times angrier and ready for a
fight. Ofcourse i’m not going to bust a move just yet - its still
boiling. So just  like Russian Roulet, you can just hope that youre not infront of the barrell when its ready to… *boom*. Furthermore, you people have sadly, made me more appreciative of what and who i have right now in my life. And i don’t say ’sadly’ in a way that i’m discontent with who i’m surrounded with, but the fact that you had to help me with my realisation and that i wasn’t able to do it by my own. So much thanks to you and just so you know, i’m clear. So i suggest you get tested. You, especially..

Again, to the lack of friends i have - i honour you as well. Thank you for not being
there. Without a lot of the people in my life, its only in the quietest
and loudest moments where you realise what you have and appreciate it. There isn’t any wasted space in my life and its all to you and my judgemental ways to thank.

Even though bridges were burnt, plans weren’t made, some of my few friends are busy running their own lives, thank you for today. If it wasn’t for my sooky, unresourceful and lonely ways, i wouldn’t have been able to be blessed with the most sweetest  boyfriend in the world. Undoubtedly, he hasn’t failed to keep impressing me after all these years. Unselfishly, he has again proved how much he is a gentleman, but a man that i want to spend forever with. There are no words to describe the way he had made me feel this afternoon when he called at… 2.34pm on Sunday, 8 January 2006 . He had me feeling an incredible rush in my heart knowing that he had made such a big effort in his busy schedule to please me. Some would say that is called "whipped" but i would say that those are the people who haven’t loved to its full potential or aren’t in it already. I would, without a doubt, raise my hand SO high, if a question of, "Are you madly in love?" was asked. It’s indescribable and i feel so blessed to have God’s Gift presented to me on a silver platter. I can happily close my eyes at night knowing i’ve got someone who loves me, more than my parents - and BOy, do they love me alot! But not only that, I’ve also felt the true power of love with my baby, Raljk Caballero. I know that i haven’t been perfect at all times, but i’m so happy that he saw an imperfect person like me, perfectly…