your daily dose of marlene…

I think i deserve a cigarette for the performance i did today as lead actress..

After watching one of my favourite movies of all time, ‘Girls just wanna have fun’, for some fcked up idea, i thought it was about the right time that the mail would be in my mail box. So i don’t have to leave the door wide open for all strangers to see into my house, i usually put the dead lock on the master key lock and leave the door knob open. I was in a rush and wasn’t in tune with what i was doing, so what i would have thought was the right combination for me to come back into the house safely - was indeed, not! I locked out of my house in complete daylight and to make it worse… i was in my underwear. (Yes, i do sometimes - JUST wear underwear). I didn’t have anything. No wallet or mobile to call anyone, no clothes to hide my body from all the Indians that live in my area, nothing to cover my poor feet so i don’t step in pieces of shit, noone safe enough to talk to so i can ask for their mobile, no family member that is near to save me from my keyless misery. I was alone. By myself. In my underwear. I say, thank God i wore underwear, coz NOT wearing them would be even worse! All i can say is, thank God i have fabulous breasts. So as i stood at my front door just pulling and pushing the door hoping the locks would just magically unlock so i could get in, i gave up and ventured else where.
I went around to the other side only to hear the sound of humans drawing near. Yes, people did see me in my sexy prime, but surprisingly enough.. they didn’t look too surprised. Maybe they see this often perhaps?! Then i had to climb over a shared fence who we share with our Chinese neighbours. They have chinese fighting dogs and i swear, when i was cilmbing over in my nothingness, i could just imagine me falling and the dogs having me for their breakfast. Luckily i made it to my backyard, but it doesn’t stop there. I had tried to force open all my windows on the first floor, the garage and sliding doors but nothing in my trap house was freaking open. I was contemplating whether to just break open a window of our newly refurnished house, but i could just image my mum screaming at me and crying about the one damaged window than being happy that i’m alive. So there goes one of my plans of going safely into the house without really putting my life into danger.
I had to think quick, and seriously think quick coz i needed to pee so time was running short unless i wanted to lose my way back into the house and my dignity. So, i climbed over our other padlocked gate wihich has a window to my neighbours kitchen. Luckily the roof had been removed by my dad some time ago so i was able to climb over with the help of a dodgy steel gate and laticed wooden thingies. There was a ladder lying against the wall but it was so old that it wouldn’t even cooperate with me. I was literally hanging from my feet for minutes until the ladder would cooperate and fcuk i was scared! The thing was damn wobbly but thankfully i made it to the other side of my house. Pulling on doors, tugging at fly screens and hopping away from all the dirt on the floor - i nearly cried coz i wanted to go out and plus i wanted to pee in a beautiful toilet inside my house. To my dismay, nothing was open. Dammit! Why do i have to be in a safe house with locked windows. Its these times were we had no locks and everything was grande. Anyway, there was no luck so i stood on the ladder and knocked on the kitchen window of my neighbours. After ten minutes, i got the point that noone was home but their german shephard, who i swear, was looking at me and looked as if it was sorry for me. Stupid dog.
On my toes, i thought that it was be excellent if i pushed the ladder under the small gap of my padlocked gate. Having doubted the gap for the ladder to go through, i was surprised that it slid through, but i was still stupid. If the ladder was on the other side, how the fcuk was i going to get on the other side if there was no way out. Gosh, i can be a fcker sometimes. haha. So there goes my grande idea! Instead i climbed over the fence with the help of the ladder and then when i was hanging on the other side.. i drop the ladder for me to slide under. Go go gadget ladder! So i’m slidding.. more slidding.. more pulling through and then suddenly it stops. Thank God i didn’t cry because i would been the girl that is locked out (nearly naked), needing to pee but can’t, dirty from all the dirt, with a ladder half way through the door and i SOOO don’t wanna be that girl. You know that feeling where you’re giving it all you’ve got to make something work and it feels like youre just losing and getting nothing out of it? You feel so helpless and yuck? Yep, that was me. I was pulling and everything you could possibly imagine, looking underneath to see what was restricting it from moving but i seriously didn’t see anything wrong. Until i saw that it was stuck in a ridge so my brain thought it was a good idea to lift it out of its trouble. Woohoo! I got the ladder outta the way. Now for the tricky part! How the crap was i going to get inside the house if all the locks and windows on the first floor were locked?

Time to conquer the second floor.

In the balcony, theres a way you can sneak out and in. There’s a special slidy thing that i used to move when i wanted to have  smoke late at night and my parents would lock the balcony. So thats what i was going to do! I was going to climb to the balcony and i did. I used the ladder for help but then i had to rely on my monkey magic to save my ass. I swear to Gah, i thought i was going to die. I thought the ladder would fall down (at one time, it did!) after holding onto a piece of wood and then i’d have to jump and break my legs. Either that or the balcony would fall apart but thank God it didn’t. My hands were sweating at the time (and they are now that i’m writing about it. Gets me all nervous) and i was so sure that i’d slip and die. BUT PRAISEEEEEEEE GOD! I made it. I was sweating and everything. I had every emotion you can think of running through my sexy body, but i was cheernig coz i made it to my destination for Houseville. As i dodged the bird poop on the tiles, i prepare my hands to slide the door. *silence* Door… is… not… sliding. It took me a while to push until i got it open but seriously, that was one of the most craziest things i’ve had to do in my entire life thus far.

I called Raljk and Rocher and they both started laughing at me. My dad called straight after and burst into laughter when i told him the news and my sister was there to witness it coz she was at his office.

Now.. i’m writing this blog so everyone can know about my morning but nothing has changed. I’m still dirty, in my underwear, sweating and needing to pee.